The American Dream

This week, I am putting the finishing touches on what will be my first road trip ever:


Nashville; Louisville; London, ON; Toronto; Niagara Falls; Buffalo, NY; Ohio & back down again, all in memory of my grandmother that passed away on New Years.


Extremely excited, as this will succor my ongoing desire to travel & have new experiences.


What's better is that I am travelling with one of my best friends, seeing family & friends, while getting to see new locations and do new things.


As I was discussing this earlier today, a coworker poked fun that the new American Dream is to travel, write a blog & get money from strangers.


That. Sounds. Amazing.


Imagine if our society valued things like adventure, wonder, & creativity more than it valued stock options, 401Ks & political stance?




I still have no idea where life is taking me, but I realize with each passing day that I am more & more the person I want to be.


That makes all the difference.

Heading North

Life continues to evolve, as do my desires, my plans & my feelings.

I met my new years resolution of being debt-free by my birthday a month earlier than the deadline. I was using that as a marker for 'I shouldn't make any plans until I'm debt-free.'

So now we're here.

At the beginning of the year, my grandmother passed away. When I was little, she sent me a 'treasure map' of her yard. In her memory, one of my best friends & I are going to follow-through.

But we figured, while we're in north Ohio, we might as well go to Canada...since we're going to Canada, we might as well come back down South through Buffalo, NY & go to Niagara Falls.

Amazing how life goes.

Heading up through Alabama, we'll stop in Nashville & stay with fellow Fortknight Amanda, then up to Louisville. On the way back home, we'll meet up with my family in north Alabama to celebrate my cousin's graduation for a mini-family reunion. <3

I am so very excited.

<3

No Answers

When I originally started this blog, I anticipated it to be filled with dreams of destinations, answers & plans.


Dreams, I've got, but no plans & certainly no answers.


I am soon turning twenty-four & as young as that sounds, I've never felt so old. I can see myself getting stuck in  outgrown recesses of my mind because the idea of what I still intend to do in the future is so very daunting.


I've never felt this way before. 


I am having to reconcile with the idea that having grey areas is okay...which is wholly terrifying, but I'm told, truly worth it.


Wish me luck on my continued adventure of life.


Less vague posts to come.

It's All Crazy!

It's All Crazy! It's All False! It's All a Dream! It's Alright!

Life has been insane, full of emotional ups & downs. 

I've felt disenchanted & totally in love with the people in my life all in the same day.

I will admit that I have absolutely no clue what I'm doing, where I'm going or how I'm going to get there, but I truly believe that I'm on a path toward that which makes me feel love, which has been suggested to me.

I'm impressionable, young, naive, while sometimes being jaded, forlorn & depressed. 

There are so many things I wish were different about my life, my family, my job, my country, my community, my economy. However, I realize that I must start with me. Granted, that usually sets me off on a perfectionistic binge, filled with eating disorder thought patterns & a desire for ten hours of sleep, but I'm making progress.

I'm not perfect, I never will be. It makes me so very sad that I have such a fixation, but: It's All Crazy! It's All False! It's All A Dream! It's Alright!

Where do you go

It may be Lent, PMS or growing up, but the past two weeks have been rough.


I've experienced criticism from all directions, some meant to be jocular, some meant to sting. It sucks. I'm not used to people speaking out about my habits/actions/decisions, let alone even noticing them, but it's definitely become a theme.


I don't know how to respond. I feel like there's nothing I can say or do. 


I don't do things unless I want to. I don't make decisions unless I want the possible outcomes [& believe me, I'm sure I've already thought them out ad nauseum]. I'm not used to having people disappointed in me, because I was a really good kid growing up, who was much harder on myself than my parents [or anyone else] ever could be.


So what? I don't want to leave Pensacola yet.


So what? I'm thinking about Intentional Community & the possibility of it thriving here.


So what?


It doesn't mean that it will happen. I doesn't mean that it won't. 
It doesn't mean that I'm deciding not to travel.


I have my reasons & I'm not obligated to share them or to seek approval from any person.
At the end of the day, it comes down to me.


But I do want to share them. I do want to share information, reasoning, thoughts, feelings, because I believe in earned open communication & full disclosure.


Granted, I do want input. This is all because I don't want to be an island.


But I also want acceptance, regardless of if I'm thought of as an idiot. 


Sincerely,
A Twenty-Something

How about Community?

I mentioned before about staying with Communities. In December, I visited Jesus People USA in Chicago one morning & it messed with me almost as much as Irresistible Revolution. But that's a tale for a different day.


Last week, I stayed at Communitas in New Orleans for five days during Mardi Gras. Living among them, seeing the love, respect & rhythm of life was just beautiful.. It was so beautiful & moving. It made me realize how much I long for a Community...& how much I truly don't want to leave Pensacola just yet. I don't claim to know what I want in the future or even what I want for lunch tomorrow. But right now, I'm exploring the possibility of having something like this here. We shall see. 


Now--pictures! 

<3

New Orleans

And I sit, reevaluating.
Currently at Communitas, learning about intentional community living, learning about myself, trying to detect my wants.
Contemplating.

Anchors

I've gotten an immense response thus far to my posted concerns. Thank you, all of you. Please continue to show me your wisdom. Also, I'd love for you to get a Blogger account [you can get non-blogging ones] so that you can comment on this blog, as I'll continue to keep it up on the impending trip. :)


I'm sitting here with the most mellow baby I've ever met, watching John Lennon videos and Three Is A Magic Number. Now we're onto Regina Spektor.


Why do I bring this up? 


To make the point about my ambivalence of leaving, which I didn't realize until today.


As I said previously, I've no partner, no children--at this point in my life, I know that's exactly how it needs to be. 


However, realizing that I've got no major anchors here, in a city I've lived in for a decade...it stings. The person that pointed this out stated that while I do have anchors, they are not too heavy to pick up & continue on in my adventure. This person is one of my anchors & like so many others, envisioning leaving him, it makes me want to cry. This little baby on my lap is one of those anchors too. They have made my life so full, so lovely. 


I didn't realize until today that one of the primary things in life I want is an anchor, a place to feel like I belong. In that vein, taking a trip across the country, constantly uprooting seems to be the opposite. I admit it, I don't really get it either. Perhaps this is a teachable moment.


Either way, as long as I feel like is this is something I need to do, I will carry on. 


Everything comes out in the wash. <3

Now for the concerns...

Second big step accomplished: buying a good atlas. Thank you, Amazon, for perpetually being awesome.


I had mentioned before that there are several things that I'm concerned about & am attempting to prevent/plan for/be prepared for.


I suppose at some point I should discuss what brought me to this point & who I am. But not today.


Things I'm concerned about:


transportation--do I take my current tiny unreliable Kia? do I buy another car? how efficient would a station wagon or hearse be? [that is a serious consideration, mind you] should I get a long-term Greyhound pass?


lodging--I want to rely on Communities/couch surfing, but how long is too long, so as not to over-stay my welcome? however, if I have a large enough vehicle [see above], I wouldn't have to be so concerned, as I could sleep in there.


my cat--do I take her with me if I have a vehicle? if not, should I leave her with my parents? or give her to someone awesome?


my stuff--I've done well at the perpetual process of purging recently, but what items do I want to take with me? what items do I want to leave at my parents/in storage? should I sell the things I want to get rid of for funding or should I give them away? 


insurance--I don't have any. should I be concerned if something happens to me & I end up in a hospital, etc etc etc?


medication--I take two Rx's daily & need them; should I find a FL provider who is willing to write them for 6 months? what about annual bloodwork?


toiletries--I wear contacts. should I forgo & just wear glasses, or get multiple years' worth?


traveling alone--should I fly solo or find someone [see: a current stranger] that I could trust to go with me?

--

to be continued, I'm sure.

And so it begins

Typing this makes it become a reality.

I suppose I should start from the quasi-beginning of this story by including what I wrote just a few days ago:

This morning, I had one of those moments of clarity. While driving to work, listening to Bright Eyes' Road To Joy, I saw a hearse for sale.

Immediately I was brought back to being fifteen, seeing one for sale downtown & so desperately wanting it, much to my parents' constant chagrin [tis the story of many oddball things about young Nicole]

I remembered the feeling of being able to do anything, anywhere, anytime.

I feel like I've written something similar to this before. Hell, I'm sure I have.

Regardless, this morning, the gears started turning & I've decided that I want [at this present moment] to travel around the country, visiting Communities & seeing all the beauty I've yet to experience. Not 'someday,' but soon.

A series of other events brought me to this point. Two weeks ago, I found a growth where one did not belong, immediately thought I was going to die from ass cancer, without insurance, very young, etc etc etc. As my mind raced & the tears streamed, I realized I was not upset about dying, but rather, by the notion of not having fully lived.

Oh. I guess I should tell you that I'm not dying, aside from that pest of humans being in the constant state of dying. For $99, I got to have an MD & a young, attractive med student tell me 'wow...I've never seen anything like that before' before telling me my diagnosis. Hurrah.

So yes. I intend to continue with my goal of being debt-free by May, at which point, I will begin to solidify my plans [as solidfied as a journey almost wholly-based on faith can be] 

I am almost twenty-four, unmarried, without offspring & without direction.

What could be better than a road trip?

--

An earnest nod to both  Shane Claiborne  & Scott Claassen, without whom, I would have less imagination. 

Over the past few days after publicly posting this, I've had a whirlwind of emotions, thoughts, concerns...but never doubts. Any potential issue that I come up with I earnestly believe a solution will come about.

This trip will likely not take place until 2013, but for now, in order to keep it alive, I've decided to put the process in written form.

So, here we go...